You know, sometimes as a mom you have to make tough choices about your children. Take naptime for example. When that child of yours cries and screams but they are supposed to be asleep. Eventually I think you get the feel of how long to leave them be. Some children cry themself to sleep. Some will color themselves to sleep with a hidden marker in the room. Some need an hour or two to wind down in their room but their regular naps of 3 or 4 hours after that wind down time convince you they still need naptime. Then sometimes you have to wonder how much is too much and when to go in and check on your little cutie pie, knowing full well that almost certainly means no break, er naptime, for you or them.
Kyle still naps twice a day though I fear he is giving up his morning nap because too often now he spends that time playing in his room. Today he did not get that morning nap because he was at the doctor's office (thrush) but needed it because he did not sleep well last night. Kyle takes his afternoon nap in a playpen in Pammie's room because we learned quickly you cannot lay him and Keller down in the same room and Keller needs to be in his own bed. Due to Keller's seeming trend toward coloring himself to sleep daily, I have begun laying him down an hour and a half later than usual (doesn't seem to make a difference- still spends the same amount of time playing and then sleeping so it just means he sleeps later!). In any case, when I laid Keller down today he was not exactly quiet and it certainly sounded like he woke Kyle up. I didn't doubt that Kyle would go back to sleep though because he needed it. Not so.
When Kyle was still not asleep some time later I decided perhaps he needed a bottle (since I had tried laying him down without one) and went in to give it to him. Oh no. He had taken off his diaper and crapped all over the playpen. I don't think he laid in it but he certainly stepped in it and touched it with his hands. It was crusty. Don't worry, no pictures for you. So gross!!! Then as I took a step to clean another part of it, my foot stepped in something wet. Couldn't find anything. Yep, pretty sure he peed through the playpen onto the floor and Pammie's bed and a doll or two. The good news is that it was mostly chunks and therefore easier to clean up. The bad news is that I had to clean it up. Oh how I love this age....
What a slacker I've been this summer! I have grand plans to get caught up on all of summer on here just as soon as school starts next week. Last weekend my friend Amber was giving me a hard time about how long it had been since I posted a blog. I promised her I'd put one up on Sunday. Here we are on Tuesday but it's getting done! =)
So I will tell you about my weekend last weekend because it involved her and just merited some thought aloud.
Friday I made a quick trip to Kingman, AZ to teach a Grocery Smarts class. The drive went a lot faster than I expected. I even went across the Hoover Dam and didn't hit any traffic at all. I realized that I have only gone that drive at nighttime (you know, the whole two other times I've done it) and I didn't even know there was a whole expanse of really cool mountain peaks just past the dam. Silly me. Anyway, seeing the bridge under construction again was pretty cool. I actually think it looks best at night. I'm pretty sure that I will be going a different route once it is done though because it's so high up and bridges scare me anyway! I've decided I like making these little trips by myself. I get the chance to catch up on phone calls (it usually involves finally having a long conversation with one of my family members) or I get to belt out my fabulous singing voice to whatever music suits me at the moment. I got home about midnight that night.
Saturday was just a weird day. I slept in, thankfully. Then I was off to a funeral. A friend's husband had committed suicide. My heart has just ached for her. Even more so because she just buried her brother only weeks before and because I ache for the children left behind. While the talks were nice and memories were shared of a man who loved to laugh and joke and the bishop shared a wonderful talk about not judging and the love of our Heavenly Father... it was simply the saddest funeral I have been to. I have cried my heart out at many a funeral. My mothers as I sat staring at her casket. Morgan's dad's as she walked into the room following the casket of the father she loved so dearly and I saw and knew the pain on her face. Countless others. Each, of course, still reminds me of that one that affected me the most. But this one... The sadness when you walked into the building was nearly palpable. And then it was such a strange sight watching the children left behind. There they were, 15, 13, 8 and 3.... Almost the exact same ages as my siblings. I felt a little like some of the friends and family must've felt at my mom's funeral watching us kids. But it all felt so much sadder and that in itself was sad.
After the funeral was a friends' baptism. What a difference between the two. My friend Amber and her husband Rob were baptized. Will and Pammie went with me while Billy stayed with the sleeping K's who weren't feeling well. There was still much talk of loss and being comforted in the gospel as Rob recently lost his mother. But the feeling was just so much better. It was neat to get to be a part of that and I thank Amber for inviting us. They just had a look of so much happiness and light and I was grateful to be able to see that. Even Rob's dad who had returned to church activity had an obvious bounce in his step and glow that I hadn't seen in him before.
By the end of the day I was just plain exhausted. I felt like I had been on an emotional rollercoaster. Sunday was pretty uneventful. I stayed home with the Ks from church, got some sleep, and worked on one of my projects. We watched Inkheart that night. What a weird movie. A little too much like Neverending Story for me.
So there you have it. Not much and no fun pictures yet. But just a quick lil post for now (ok, I know it's long). I will get things updated and get some of the really great pictures I've gotten of our summer. Just probably not until the kids are back in school. I'm enjoying our time together.
I haven't forgotten about you. I just have purposely, and not so purposely, neglected you. A whole month without blogging? Wow. Bigger things at hand... Oh but the things I have to share. Just know this... even without my Thankful Thursdays I'm still thankful for things. Maybe I'll get something up by the end of the day. I guess I could throw in real quick that I'm thankful for day camp at the Y. It's fun (not to mention peaceful) to hang out with Keller and Kyle all day (and you wouldn't believe how clean my downstairs has gotten and stayed and how much laundry I've gotten done). Gives us a good taste of a school year. I do miss Will & Pammie though. Just one week of it is fine by me.
Ahh...but I'm off to our weekly doctor's appointment. No, I'm not pregnant. Just works out that we practically always have a doctor's appointment for someone each week.
Nothing makes me feel more patriotic than these:
Some of John Adams' own words, as found in his biography that I have been reading:
"Be it remembered, that liberty must at all hazards be supported. We have a right to it, derived from our Maker. But if we have not, our fathers have earned and bought it for us at the expense of their ease, their estates, their pleasure, and their blood. And liberty cannot be preserved without a general knowledge among the people who have a right from the frame of their nature to knowledge, as their great Creator who does nothing in vain, has given them understandings and a desire to know. But besides this, they have a right, an indisputable, unalienable, indefeasible divine right to the most dreaded and envied kind of knowledge, I mean of the characters and conduct of their rulers."
"Government is a plain, simple, intelligent thing, founded in nature and reason, quite comprehensibly by common sense...The true source of our suffering has been our timidity. We have been afraid to think...Let us dare to read, think, speak, and write...Let is be known that British liberties are not the grants of princes or parliaments...that many of our rights are inherent and essential, agreed on as maxims and established as preliminaries, even before Parliament existed...Let us read and recollect and impress upon our souls the views and ends of our more immediate forefathers, in exchanging their native country for a dreary, inhospitable wilderness...Recollect their amazing fortitude, their bitter sufferings- the hunger, the nakedness, the cold, which they patiently endured- the severe labors of clearing their grounds, building their houses, raising their provisions, amidst dangers from wild beasts and savage men, before they had time or money or materials for commerce. Recollect the civil and religious principles and hopes and expectations which constantly supposrted and carried them through all hardships with patience and resignation. Let us recollect it was liberty, the hope of liberty, for themselves and us and ours, which conquered all discouragements, dangers, and trials."
"The preservation of liberty depends upon the intellectual and moral character of the people. As long as knowledge and virtue are diffused generally amont the body of a nation, it is impossible they should be enslaved...Ambition is one of the more ungovernable passions of the human heart. The love of power is insatiable and uncontrollable...There is danger from all men. The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty."
"Laws for the liberal education of youth, especially for the lower classes of people, are so extremely wise and useful that to a humane and generous mind, no expense for this purpose would be thought extravagant."
"We may please ourselves with the prospect of free and popular governments. But there is great danger that those governments will not make us happy. God grant they may. But I fear that in every assembly, members will obtain an influence by noise not sense. By meanness, not greatness. By ignorance, not learning. By contracted hearts, not large souls...There is one thing, my dear sir, that must be attempted and most sacredly observed or we are all undone. There must be decency and respect, and veneration introduced for persons of authority of every rank, or we are undone. In a popular government, this is our only way."
"We should always remember that a free constitution of civil government cannot be purchased at too dear a rate, as there is nothing on this side of Jerusalem of equal importance to mankind."
on the signing of the Declaration of Independence:
"I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the Day of Deliverance by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, gungs, bells, bonfires, and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other from this time forward forever more."
When asked whether he thought America would succeed in the struggle for independence:
"Yes, if we fear God and repent our sins."
"To be good, and to do good, is all we have to do."
part of what he wrote in the constitution of Massasachusetts:
"Wisdom and knowledge, as well as virtue, diffused generally among the body of the people being necessary for the preservation of their rights and liberties; and as these depend on spreading the opportunities and advantages of education in various parts of the country, and among the different orders of the people, it shall be the duty of legislators and magistrates in all future periods of this commonwealth to charish the interests of literature and the sciences, and all seminaries of them, especially the university at Cambridge, public schools, and grammar schools in the towns; to encourage private societies and public institutions, rewards and immunities, for the promotion of agriculture, arts, sciences, commerce, traddes, manufactures, and a natural history of the country; to countenance and inculcate the principles of humanity and general benevolence, public and private charity, industry and frugality, honesty and punctuality in their dealings, sincerity, good humor, and all social affections, and generous sentiments among the people."
"These are times in which a genius would wish to live. It is not in the still calm of life, or the repose of a pacific station, that great characters are formed. The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with difficulties. Great necessities call out great virtues. When a mind is raised, and animated by the scenes that engage the heart, then those qualities which would otherwise lay dormant, wake into life and form the character of the hero and the statesmen."
Does that title make you think of the song "You were always on my mind..."? It does to me. In any case I'm putting these thoughts out there that have been on my mind in the hopes that it will help things improve. As we have dealt with being sick for 2 weeks now I recognize that I have been very negative. I have tried to change that, believe it or not. That was part of the reason for creating something fun in making a 'rainforest' of the bathroom.
The truth is, I am beat down and because of the other things on my mind I feel only more frustrated and beat down.
For two weeks now I have slept poorly due to bad dreams, no doubt brought on my stress and worry about ill children who aren't sleeping well either.
Tuesday is the anniversary of my mom's passing. It will be 10 years. Hard to believe. I had determined to be positive about it this year and to do something fun in her honor. Not lookin so much like that is going to happen. Instead I find, that as usual, I miss my mom so much when we are at our wits' end- at those times I know she would come to my rescue or offer some encouragement or help. I really miss her the most when I am sick, like I am now with the flu. I can't help but think of it but I do my best to keep those thoughts at bay because they will only leave me more depressed and feeling worse- since we all know how crappy crying makes you feel. I have no doubt that she is around and trying to offer her help and encouragement in her ways (perhaps those dinners brought unexpectedly by friends and family the past couple of days can be the result of her gentle promptings because it made such a difference to me). I don't know. I miss my mom. I miss her jell-o water when we were sick with a flu. I miss her checking in on me. I miss her deciding just how serious things were and what to do about it. I miss her just hanging out and talking when I didn't feel good and letting me spend the day in her bed, even as a teenager.
If there is any time in my life that I could go back and change it would be 10 years ago today. I would not have gone up to visit Billy at college. My mom didn't want me to. She wanted me to stay and be with the family and go to the lake with them. I would have done just that. I missed out on that last bit of fun and family time with her. I try not to have regrets and so I have told myself that perhaps it was for the best. If I had not gone up there then Billy would not have come back with me for a day (at her urging) and gotten that last chance to see her. She had wanted badly to see Billy as well for whatever reason. And it was a result of that visit as well that I talked to her about her feelings about Billy and whether she thought we would get married. So... I don't know. But as I sit here in bed, so sick, I am sad and I miss my mom. And maybe now that it's out there I can move forward....but it might be another week.
Have I mentioned recently how much I love traveling with kids. Yup. My favorite thing to do. No, actually, our trip was quite enjoyable. The driving to and from, not so much. Since when does it take 10 hours to get from Vegas to Provo? Since I have a one-year old who can't stand being in the car, windshield wipers that melted to the windshield when there was rain on the drive, and 4 little ones needing potty breaks and diaper changes and mouths fed. Oh, and the car was so full that you had to pretty much throw Pammie into the backseat and hope she landed there. Will even had to be put into his seat the stuff was piled that high.
Well, that's what happens when you are gone to the mountains for over a week.
See, we left a week ago last Saturday (June 13 if you don't want to figure it out) for Aspen Grove with the Worthens. We are so blessed that Grandma Worthen makes it all possible. If you aren't familiar with Aspen Grove it is a family camp (think the camp they are at on Dirty Dancing minus the dirty dancing and with not as nice cabins) just above Sundance, UT run by BYU's Alumni Association. This was my first adventure spending a full week there. The Worthens go every 4 years and in the past we have only been able to go for a couple of the days rather than staying the full week. Billy had to fly home to work a couple of days but I was hardly left on my own. I was blessed to see just what a close-knit family Billy has (as if there were any doubt- hello...Worthen Cir) and what an effect Aspen Grove has on that. I was overwhelmed with gratitude as parents, siblings, cousins, aunts- whoever- stepped in and just helped out. Getting kids food and situated, playing with them, watching them so I could go to the bathroom (because you can't just leave a one-year-old alone in the mountains). Never was a word even said -it just was done and without the slightest indication of it being anything less than natural or the slightest inconvenience or burden. That's a big deal for me because my biggest concern in life seems to be feeling like an inconvenience or burden. Sooo...we all had a great time.
We were at Aspen Grove until Friday morning (the 19th). Then we checked out, spent some time at our old BYU stomping grounds, and headed off to camp (for reals) at Capitol Reef National Park. I will tell you this is one of my favorite places and I think everyone should go there sometime.
I have many a picture to post, of course. I told myself though that I'm not allowed to upload them until the house is picked up again and the stuff is unpacked. Here's some highlights of our last week though:
* We got a super cute family picture
* My dad and Christy and Jill and Matt came up to visit
* The kids and I read stories by flashlight and made shadow puppets (Matt even taught us a cool indian head)
* Rock Climbing Wall (everyone but Kyle)
* High Ropes Course
* Pottery (I have a whole set to glaze and fire)
* I made a hemp necklace I need to redo and Billy made a fantastic hatchet cover out of scrap leather
* Lots and lots of rain
* Dining hall madness
* Archery
* Cascade Springs hike because it was too wet to do Stewart Falls or South Fork
* Fantastic program put on by the kids
* Aspen Follies
* Eating dinner with Connie and Sam on the way up at Cracker Barrell in Spanish Fork
* Touring BYU and eating lunch with Matt and Jill after Aspen Grove. Will says college sounds super cool.
* Jill and Matt deciding last minute to join us in Capitol Reef for their first camping experience as a married couple. They must've been crazy.
* Dirty dirty dirty kids
* Hiking, no walking, the Grand Wash- 2.25 miles with the kids
* Keller and Pammie getting sick
* Kyle screaming his head off while we drive. I felt terrible for breaking down and buying him Benadryl for the drive home but we needed it.
* Rainbows that Keller claimed as his own
* So much hiking and walking
* Visiting the Busks....just missing Nathan's farewell but at least we got to visit
* Will's treasure hunt for Billy for his Father's Day present- the treasure? Rocks that he had carefully gathered for him
* Deer strolling through camp
* Keller pushing Kyle everywhere in the stroller
* Grampy happier than I've ever seen him
* My dad coming to the family dance and everyone rocking it out together
* The kids just having all altogether fantastic time. They loved being in the mountains. They loved going to their groups (Keller was probably the only 2 year old to run to his class and refuse to say goodbye to us). They loved spending time with so much family. They loved sleeping in the tent (which our neighbors were gracious enough to lend us since ours no longer fits our family).
Despite the long and painful recovery it will be (thanks to sick kids and the normal recovery of unpacking and doing laundry).... We all had a great time and are glad we did it! Thanks so much to Grandma and Grandpa Worthen for making Aspen Grove a possibility. Thanks to my family for taking the time to come up and visit us. Thanks to Connie and Sam for making the time and effort to visit with us on such short notice. Thanks to Jill and Matt for hanging out with us and helping so much while camping. We made a lot of great memories and that's really what it's all about!
We have a busy summer and are excited about it! Between the family reunions and gatherings, I thought it would be nice to have a little vacay for just our little family with no one else. We've been long due for one. I think it's been a couple of years.
So we had a garage sale to earn some money. $500! My goal was enough to take the family on a vacation, preferrably to the beach, without feeling guilty about the money taking away from other expenses or obligations. The following Wednesday I got an email from Travelzoo about a fantastic deal on a hotel on the beach in San Diego. As luck would have it, there was one weekend that the rate was available for and it worked with our schedules. A-ma-zing. I jumped on it.
So this past weekend we headed out to stay at the fabulous Hilton Resort on Mission Bay. I think I could have lived there. It is every bit as beautiful as their website looks. Maybe more so. Sadly, we got out of town much later than planned and didn't get to spend all day Friday there like we hoped. But that's life with 4 little ones. Plus, one thing after another kept going wrong and I was beginning to wonder if we were supposed to be staying home and were just not getting the hint or if this was something we were really supposed to do. We both thought the latter. So we rolled into town with the sunset on Friday and rolled out with the sunset on Sunday.
I have a lot of fun pictures to post but they'll probably take some time since there are so many. We played in the sand as soon as we got there. Who cares that it was dark. My kids sure didn't. They were thrilled that they got to stay up till 10 each night, and we were happy to let them.
Our room was just one room away and a flight of stairs down to the beach. We had a balcony that overlooked the beautiful pool and garden area. From our beach we watched the SeaWorld fireworks across the bay. We had just gotten the kids in bed the first night when we heard the booms. We all went running out in our pajamas to watch. Saturday night we were prepared and had Keller and Kyle in bed beforehand. The baby monitor range reached to the beach so we had a little bonfire and made smores with Will and Pammie and watched the fireworks again. We had a very full vacation complete with playing with the tide on the 'big beach' (since ours didn't have the big waves we took them to see them at an actual ocean beach), swimming in the hotel pool, hanging out on the beach and in the bay water, reading on our balcony after the kids were in bed, visiting the San Diego Zoo, eating dinner at Ikea because it's so cheap and good, building sand castles, burying each other, and playing field games on the hotel's grassy grounds. It was a great time and after rolling in at 1am this morning we are tired but happy and not sunburned. To add to it, we came in under budget. We packed food for breakfast, lunch, and snacks. Planning ahead paid off. So did Travelzoo's great deal and Costco.com's great deal on the zoo tickets. We even remembered to pack Will and Pammie's Fisher Price cameras. I'm excited to see what their pictures turn out like. They are always entertaining.
I don't know what my deal has been but I guess I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus. I have pics to put up, really cute ones too! But I'm too lazy and just don't feel like uploading them right now. So here's a synopsis of our life as of late:
...but it seriously makes me so sad to hear about the passing of Mickey Mouse. I mean Allwine, the voice of Mickey of course. He has done his voice for so long and in so many venues- including at Disneyland and for the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse show that Keller so very much loves. It makes me even more sad and just pulls at my heartstrings to hear that he was married to Minnie Mouse, for real! His wife is the voice of Minnie and it is how they met. Here is just one of many articles about him. I know Mickey Mouse is just a character is but I can't help feeling so attached.
Will made this for his best friend. I had to steal it out of his backpack before he could take it to school and give it to her so that I could copy it. I'm so sad she is moving in a couple of weeks. I'm not sure if he really knows it or gets it anyway. I love her and her mom and we will miss them at school and at church. Don't you love how it is just the flower he is giving her that is in color? He said he had something he wanted to make the other day and I guess this was it.Here is a really random list of things that I am thankful for. Sometimes I think of the most random things but I'm so glad they make my life a little easier or less messy:
toothbrushes
soap
pads
vaccines
lights
ceiling fans (I swear I can't live without them!)
glasses/contacts
ready-made foods like butter and yogurt and milk gallons (have you ever churned butter?)
computers and the internet- quickly available information
scriptures that are small and portable
car seats
seat belts
traffic laws and other general laws that create a little order
pillows and beds
showers
toilets
towels
couches to sit on
books
and loads of other things
Initially I was thinking that this meant I was really grateful not to live in the olden days. But then I just realized that if I were homeless then I would not have access to the majority of these things. So I am just plain grateful. So many little things we just don't think about but probably really would if we lost access to them.
One of the things I am asked most is "how do you do it?" This is of course referring to the having 4 kids in 5 years and being still standing. But I always have the same basic responses. First of all, I just do. Secondly, my house is not clean. And lastly and most importantly, I have regular date nights with my husband and time to myself. Seriously, it is my sanity-saver and I cannot see how anyone survives without it.
When my husband and I were getting married we were interviewed by our then Stake President, Ed J. Pinegar. What a wise and wonderful man! He gave us very sound counsel for our marriage and told us to always have weekly dates and to go away overnight without any children once every 3 months. He told us that so long as we did that then we would be fine.
Billy and I both grew up with parents who went on Friday night dates every week. It was the standard. It was expected. So we never really saw us doing anything any differently. What I think we didn't account for was how hard it can be to find a sitter, especially when you have a little one, or how much Satan tempts you to just let it slide. I understand anxiety about leaving a little baby with a sitter. I understand children who are attached to you or have special needs. However, I don't see these as excuses. If anything, I see them as reasons you should be more inclined to follow this advice because you need the break! I also understand not having money for dates (or so you think). I even understand difficult schedules...but nobody said you can only go out at night or on a Friday (for a while we did every Wednesday because that was Billy's day off from his second job).
What I have learned in the 7 years we have been married is that what you make a priority is what you make happen. When we have set that Friday date night as a priority then it happens. Yes, there have been the occassional weekend where it just didn't happen, despite all our best efforts. Or there are the times when someone is sick and unable to be left. But you make it happen even if you have to be very creative about it.
Trouble finding a sitter? Think outside the box! Look to friends who don't have children but would like to spend time with them. Or friends who do have children and wouldn't mind getting away from them! Especially if you are willing to go out later, after kids are in bed, then that may be an option. I know I would be one to jump at the opportunity to sit in a quiet house that I don't have to think about cleaning and just read while a friend got to get out of the house and have some alone time with her husband. Swap sitting with a friend of neighbor. We have been blessed to have a neighbor who suggested this. It is easiest when you have someone with a similar number of kids or at least ones the same age. Set a time frame (we try to stick to around 6-10pm) and a day (we do Fridays and they do Saturdays or we'll swap weeks if it doesn't work). The kids have a great time playing together and you don't have to pay a sitter. We usually play and hang out until 8 or 8:30. At that time they put on their jammies and lie down on the floor for a movie- where they usually fall asleep and can just be carried back home to their beds when their parents get home. However, we have even had the kids at our house but then I have taken them to theirs to put them to bed and sat in their quite house until their parents returned. Another option is family members. This is usually a last resort for me because I know how busy they are and they don't usually let me pay them. However, Billy has several younger cousins and we are blessed that some of them are willing to be our backup babysitters. Which is the last thing- find a regular sitter. When you go on a regular date then it is easier to plan and prepare for it. When you get a sitter that you like then it is easier to just have that person plan for watching your kids each and every Friday night unless you tell them otherwise. If you don't know who to ask then if you are LDS just ask your youth leaders to put together a list of willing babysitters in your ward. The youth can volunteer and even specify if they are unwilling to watch in certain circumstances (i.e. not comfortable with newborns). I have even had an instance where we had a youth in our ward who babysat regularly but whose mother would regularly watch our newborn. For her it was a chance to sit and enjoy some peace. Keller was the baby and needed special care and attention. She could get it and it made her happier to give him it. So we would drop of Keller at her house when picking up her kid to babysit Will and Pammie. When people tell me that they never go out because they can never find a sitter then I just don't always believe it. You need to be creative. You may even need to go out of your comfort zone by asking someone you wouldn't normally. I have recently asked a friend's younger sister who is single as well as a couple of friends whose husbands work nights (one of which has kids and one who just has a baby). Trying out a new sitter is hard and unnerving, especially with little ones who may need more specific care. But it can be quite rewarding...especially if you would not have gotten to go out otherwise.
The other thing I hear is that you don't have the money to go on a date. There's two parts to this- paying for the date and paying for the sitter. First of all, if you're concerned about paying a sitter then you need an adult or family member. If you can't swap sitting then find some other service you can swap. Or just don't go out as long. Going on an hour long date to grab some ice cream is still going on a date. There are so many ways to keep it cheap. Go to the gym together. Go on a walk or hike. Have a picnic at the park. Check out the bookstore or library. Visit friends. Have game or movie nights with them. Just because you're not in high school or college anymore doesn't mean you can't hang out at your friend's house with your date. Especially in the summertime in Vegas there are a lot of free films and outdoor concerts to take advantage of around town. If you are LDS and concerned about cost, then go to the temple every single week. You will be astounded at the blessings you will receive and the closeness you will feel with your spouse.
Some women complain to me that they never go on a date or have never left their children (who are sometimes older than mine). I just can't fathom this! I love my children. I love them dearly. But I love them more because I get breaks from them. My marriage comes first and because I feel fulfilled in my marriage and as an individual person, I am able to be a better mother. These women say "You're so lucky that you go on dates every week." Luck has nothing to do with it. It is simply a matter of saying it is going to happen, making it a priority, and working hard to make it happen. The payoff is always worth it.
I like this quote from Elder Joe Christensen of the Presidency of the Seventy:
"Keep your courtship alive. Make time to do things together- just the two of you. As important as it is to be with the children as a family, you need regular weekly time alone together. Scheduling it will let your children know that you feel that your marriage is so impoartant that you need to nurture it. That takes comitment, planning, and scheduling. It doesn't need to be costly. The time together is the most important element." (Conference Report, April 1995)
If there are men out there reading this who don't really think a date is a big deal to your wife...I promise you, it is. I have told my husband that come Friday night I am going out. I would love for him to join me. By arranging a sitter and planning a date, he shows me that he wants to be with me. I know he wants to be with me but I like the show of effort to make it happen. I have been home with the children all week. It is my place of employment as a stay-at-home mom. I don't really get to be 'done' with work at the end of the week. However, I get to be done with it for an hour or two when I go out on a date with my husband. I get to be a teenager again and date and hold hands and talk about things other than children and their latest antics etc. I get to be a grown-up and have intelligent conversation. I get to get dressed up for something. It is good for my self-esteem and it is good for my husband to see me dressed up too. It is good for us to go places together, as a couple, and show the world that that is what we are.
I will tell you that the times that have been rockier in our marriage have been the times where we have discovered that we have slacked in our date nights. You might not go on dates and might have a good marriage. But what you might not realize is just how much better it will be when you do. And if you are struggling or things just have been a little 'off', then make a date a priority this week and see what it can do for you!
It's hard to believe how time has flown by this year. It's a bittersweet thing. Kyle turned 1 today and had a great day!
It started off with his favorite breakfast- pancakes. Daddy made them!
We have noticed lately that Kyle doesn't seem as happy in large groups. In fact, he sometimes won't even smile. So I wondered if he would even be happy that we had so many people over for his birthday. 
Boy did I have nothing to worry about! I think it's just an attention issue. He doesn't like large groups if he isn't getting the attention. Today, he loved it! In fact, Billy and I both decided that we had never seen a child enjoy their first birthday so much.!
mmm.....wax....
Keller really enjoyed the party too...and the 3+ cupcakes he inhaled. I didn't dare make the cake/cupcakes and frost it until he was down for his afternoon nap. Even still I caught a swiped finger through the frosting.
Kyle's cheesy face never ceases to crack me up. He just waits and waits for you to take the picture. He was really loving his cupcake. He had 3 as well. Definitely takes after Keller.
It was a very happy birthday indeed. 
That is... Until I went in Pammie's room to watch their puppet show. I saw this....
The little sneak had swapped my rose for one that had been sitting on her dresser but had died and never been thrown away! 
Billy always takes a wire brush to clean my Grandma Smelser's name on the memorial wall. She is my mom's mom and her ashes are scattered in the pond my mom is buried by. As kids my mom brought us out there often to clean the name and feed the ducks. Sadly, today there were no ducks to feed. =(
Well, we tried. =) I actually really like this one anyway.
Happy Mother's Day Mom!!! It was fun seeing you again. =)
The old part of Warm Springs is no longer open. =(
Pammie and I enjoyed our quiet time by eating salad for dinner and watching movies. On Saturday morning we painted our nails and cleaned her room before we went to lunch out at Town Square with my friend Erin. She was thrilled to go to a restaurant. They have a super yummy and inexpensive brunch at Brio. She scarfed down her pancakes so quickly that they brought her another plate (for free) when they saw how sad she was to be done. She had a great time. We shopped, ate ice cream cones, and played in the water. It was a great girls day out. Since the boys had our camera, the only pictures I got are on my phone. But we did come home with these super cute duds for the boys. Old Navy swimwear for kids is on sale for just $8! Won't they look so cute at the beach in a few weeks?
We were gone all day on Saturday and the boys got home while we were gone. Billy had apparently schemed with Erin and her husband to keep me out of the house. I returned to this surprise gift for Mother's Day....
It is a desk for my sanity room. I had told Billy this idea I had of a desk that could fold up so that when we have company it won't be such a big deal to take down the table and move it out of the room. My sanity room is our guest room, our 'library', my art room, and my office. I love it. He has been going in to work early for the past several weeks apparently to work on this. I'm completely impressed and very excited. I can't wait to show you the finished results when the rest of the room gets put together with all the organization I have envisioned. It's going to be fabulous! This desk he made is the perfect first step!
To say I had a bad night last night would be an understatement. I thought about explaining all the reasons why so you would know where I am at right now. I decided against it. Not because I didn't think I should. Just because I simply don't have it in me right now.
I am thankful for better days. It is sad when you start your day by opening your eyes and immediately crying because it just was that bad. But it is nice to think of sweet children awaiting you and to look forward to that. I am thankful that, even though I more than desperately needed the sleep, I got up a little before my children and thought of how much I looked forward to them waking up. I am thankful for their unconditional love, their hugs, their smiles, and their laughter. I knew that I would get each of those after they awoke. I am thankful for an incredibly loving and supportive husband who sympathizes with me and my pains. As much as I don't like for him to be sad, it is a little nice to see someone sad for me being sad. I am also thankful that he knows me, knows my in and outs, and knows my heart. He pretty much always gets the meaning and intention behind the things I say. What a blessing. I am thankful that I could get up and read my scriptures and say my prayers and know that at least I could start the morning off right. Truthfully, I'm not really feeling any better than last night. Some mornings just don't make the nights better. But I still feel thankful. I am thankful for the sun too. I know that if I had woken up to a gray, cloudy day, it would probably be worse. I am hopeful for a better day than the bad night I had last night. Even though I don't feel it, I am hopeful and I am thankful for that. And if it takes another day, then so be it. There's always a better day ahead.
One of my best friends recently gave birth to her first baby. I fear that the new mommyhood and newborn stage are a little bit of a surprise to her. See, you hear all these well wishes and congratulations for this great new thing in your life. Your life will never be the same. You know that. Babies are so great. So you hear. You might hear horror stories and tales about labor and delivery. Women love to share these things, especially with those about to give birth. It's like comparing battle wounds or something. What you never hear about is the battle wounds of being a new mom, or of being a new mom again when you have your second or third or whatever newborn. Why is that? I think because we don't talk about it beforehand. Then when you're home with that newborn and it's not that idyllic life, you begin to wonder what happened.
You go into having your baby with the idea that finally you'll be able to get some sleep. At least you won't be waking up every couple of hours trying to get comfortable or going to the bathroom. You think that you'll finally get something done around the house because you can move again, or maybe because you think you'll get energy back again. After all, don't newborns sleep all the time? You might even have visions of sitting and rocking your baby peacefully. You probably plan to breastfeed because it is such a great bonding time for you and the baby and because it's really the best option.
Well, here's how I think it really goes down. Yes, newborns sleep. Generally a lot. Sometimes they don't though. Sometimes newborns only sleep when you're holding them. Oh, and just because your first baby was a great sleeper, or a scheduled baby, or a happy baby- don't you dare go thinking you've got this thing down and that future babies will be the same. My last was my most difficult. He was the one who wouldn't sleep unless you were holding him.
Don't underestimate the power of sleep, or of being sleep-deprived. You don't know it until you've been there. You will want sleep so badly that it might bring you to tears. Maybe you used to wish for 6 or 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Those days are gone. You will find yourself just dying for 3 to 5 hours. Even if your baby goes a stretch that long between feedings, at night if you're really lucky, you won't sleep that long. There's the time it takes to decide he's actually asleep before laying him down. You can't go to bed right away either because you know that inevitably if you do then the baby will know and will wake up. So you have to wait until he is for sure, really asleep.
Oh, and that feeding thing. I've got news for you. Breastfeeding isn't the greatest thing in the world for everyone. Some women just don't enjoy it. Some just don't quite get the hang of it. Some babies are fussy at the end of the day even though they've eaten regularly only to be calmed down by a bottle. Some have that perfectly idyllic time of it. You just never know and you shouldn't feel guilty if it is less than perfect. Now, I'm not advocating one way or the other. I've done it all. You know what, my kids are all pretty smart. I even think the youngest ones, the ones who were bottle fed from their early days for medical reasons, might be smarter. They also haven't been as sick. Okay, so I was secretely relieved that they had to be bottle-fed. Do I enjoy the $200 spent on the specialty formula they have each month? No. But do I love the freedom of not having to be the one to feed them every time? Yes. I never loved nursing and I'm told my mother didn't either. I was happier when I was feeding my baby a bottle. A happier mom bonds better. So if it isn't working for you, keep trying. It takes time. It's messy. It's awkward. It might even be embarassing. Some people can't do it in front of others. That's fine. But if you keep trying and it's not going any differently, then don't feel bad. You can always pump and then feed a bottle. It won't last as long but it might make you both happier. Then, I have my own issues with pumping. It's nice, sometimes even essential. But I sure don't like feeling like a dairy cow.
Which brings me to another thing. Sex after baby. By the time that 6-week appointment rolls around, you might be so anxious. So much so that maybe you disregarded it. Unless you've got good girlfriends or read the books, it might be a surprise to you. If you are nursing, you might never want him near your boobs again. Even if you fed the baby right before hand, it is bound to get in the way. Plus, I swear kids know when you are about to have some 'me' time. It's like how children always find you hiding in the bathroom. It's like they have sex-dar. Welcome to the next 18 years of their life. If you thought that trying to do anything in that last trimester was difficult, well, I'm sorry but it might not be better just yet.
Are you depressed yet? Don't worry, it might just be PPD, or baby blues. It's a real thing. Don't underestimate it. Don't feel bad if you get it. Your body is way out of whack. They also don't tell you that your thyroid can get screwed up after having a baby. Because sleep-deprivation due to baby isn't enough. Add the effects of an underactive thyroid and you're really screwed. My poor husband. You do whatever you need to to cope. When my last one really couldn't make it without being held, I found myself losing it. I had 3 little ones I still needed to care for. Things to do. The swing only lasted so long. The bouncy seat, same. I couldn't really do the whole sling thing because I'm so short and my arms are so short that I'd be banging him into counter after counter. So, you know what I did to cope? I bought a Wii. It was an expensive, maybe not necessary purchase. But it sure helped to be able to have something 'fun' to do while sitting and holding the baby all day long. It was nice to have a 'change of scenery.' And I could play it with my kids too. If I beat a level on a game, well, at least I got something done that day. My time sitting and holding my last two was only aggravated by the fact that they had really bad reflux and needed to be kept upright for an hour after eating. When they are eating every 2-3 hours, there goes most of your day. Even though my last baby was my hardest, and most tiring, I never needed medication. I thought about it. I have had it in the past. But I found a way to cope, I talked about it, and I felt it coming on because I had been there so I was able to work on it before then. We were all fine. You know what else? He's my happiest kid now. You know when it changed? 3 months. When we finally found the right medication that helped his reflux and the right dosage and feeding combination. He was a different kid after that.
So all this can be pretty depressing. As if postpartum hormones weren't enough. Now you have to add to it extreme sleep-deprivation. Don't forget not feeling fulfilled. Don't plan on getting things done for the first 3-6 months or you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Even if they sleep during the day without you holding them like they are supposed to, then you'll be so exhausted you will be a zombie- preferrably a sleeping one. So now you're probably down on yourself because you're not getting any sleep, not getting anything done, not having that idyllic newborn life, not exactly having fun with the hubby, and you might even miss being pregnant. Take heart. It's amazing how quickly we can forget things. My husband even says that being the mom to a newborn is one of the hardest times because it is so much exhausting work with little to no reward. Though that time may seem like it is dragging on. You may feel like you can stand to watch another tv show or sit in front of the computer again. That time will pass all too quickly and you will find yourself longing for those days of just sitting and holding a newborn again. Sleep on the couch with him snuggled on you. Take a shower with him in the bassinet or swing next to the shower. At least he's not asking you everything about you or complaining of who hit who. Those smiles will come. The sleep will come, eventually. Let your husband take over wherever possible. Don't forget, your body is still in recovery and you need your rest too. Get out of the house. Even if it takes all day, get ready for the day. You'll feel better. You may find yourself wondering why you did this. It's okay. The rewards come and are greater than you can imagine. To see that first smile. To hear that laugh. To hear them call you ma-ma. To watch as they figure something out or learn something new. To send them off to school and hear them tell you of all the new, exciting, and wonderful things they learned that day. It's all worth it. It's worth every sleepless moment. It's worth every ache and pain. It's worth every bit of it all. You don't know it until you've experienced it. Please remind me this when my 2-year old paints the tub in nail polish again. I'm still trying to get it off.
Oh, and here's another thing. We moms have been there. We are happy to help. We know how it is to just wish to get a shower. That's all you want in a day. So if you need to reach out so that you don't go crazy or don't feel crazy or don't feel alone- please do! Don't feel silly. The best advice I ever got on being a mom was to take care of myself and relax. My mother-in-law was so right when she told me that babies can sense your moods. Not just babies. It affects them. More than you might think. I had more than one doctor say something to the effect of that the best thing you can do for your baby (or child) is to take care of yourself. So if that means leaving the baby with someone and a bottle so that you can go out (by yourself or on a date), then do! Don't feel guilty. It's hard to give when you feel empty and drained. Don't feel guilty for sleeping at any opportunity. For those first few months, you probably should. And talk to your spouse. They probably have no clue what it is like for you. They might not ever. But they won't be any better and won't know any better unless you clue them in. Let them, or make them (whichever applies), help so that they can get a sense. Parenting is supposed to be a two-person job. It needs to start off that way. That's why it takes two people to make one. It takes two to raise them. I so do not envy those single parents. If you are one (or feel like one), then ask for help...church members, friends, neighbors, family members- whoever!
I don't like May.
There. I said it.
It is the month of flowers a-bloom. It is spring in the air. It is Mother's Day. A-ha. That's it. It's Mother's Day. I know, most moms love this day. The one day of the year when we are supposed to be allowed to sleep in and do nothing. If you're LDS like me then you get the pleasure of hearing the little children at church sing lovely songs about you. It's the day where we are showered with gifts just for being us. Where we finally get acknowledged for all we do. Okay, that last one might be a little bit of a stretch.
For me it's a little less fun. I enjoy the day, generally. But I also find myself reflecting on my own mom. Frankly, I don't enjoy going to church on Mother's Day. All the talks about mothers and how wonderful they are doesn't leave me feeling better about myself. Instead it leaves me thinking of all the wonderful opportunities I am missing out on growing old with my mother. It's not made better by being in the same ward I was then, surrounded by her friends or people who 'know.' Well, okay, it's a little bit better. But I secretely see all those faces I saw in those weeks after- the sad knowing eyes of people who love and care. One of those good and bad things really. We visit my in-laws on that day as well, of course to honor my mother-in-law and I am happy to do it. However, that can be hard too because she isn't my mom, she's my mother-in-law. Don't misunderstand me, while she is a wonderful person and I really love her- it isn't the same and it can be hard to have what you don't have be in your face on a day when you're a little more sensitive to it. I find that I get really sensitive about other people seeming to take their mothers for granted, particularly on Mother's Day. I even get jealous of the ones who have their moms still, like my husband or my sisters-in-law. Everyone. In general. I imagine that most people who have lost a really close loved one feel that way. But anyway, so that's how I feel about Mother's Day. The more recent ones have been more enjoyable though as my own kids get more into it and distract me more. We typically go to the cemetery together and have great fun playing 'peek-a-boo' with the picture of my mom, talking about her, and feeding the ducks.
I quit becoming a fan of May in 6th grade when my grandma was hit and killed while she was riding her bike. I totally idolized her. She was cool, hip, fun, sarcastic, funny, and told it how it was. I found that in later years I would get oddly hyper-emotional in the month of May. It was my super-smart high-school psychology teacher, Mr. Barry, who would help me figure out that it was tied to losing my grandma. Our bodies have a sort of biological memory clock, he explained. Well, that's the best way I can explain how I interpreted it anyway. Your body sort of subconsciously remembers major events in your life and the timing and emotions surrounding it. It's like an annual PMS when subconsciously reliving a tragic event. Anywho... Don't really remember where I was going with that except that I always get dumbly emotional for the month of May and it drives us all crazy.
Now May isn't so bad though. I was happy to have Kyle born in May so that there could finally be a bright spot in it. Hard to believe he'll be a year just next week. It's nice that it's right around Mother's Day too. Gives me something else to think about.
.....................................
But in other life lately....
Yup. Sickies again. It's not as bad as it sounds. It just seems that way. In fact, this past year has been mild for the kids and I. When there's 6 in the family though it just goes around. All the handwashing in the world can't keep you from each other. Gets worse when they're in school and can bring home germs that way.
On the bright side, Keller is improving. He just had his regular check-up on his kidney and the doctor said "Look at that! It's incredible!." What a nice thing to hear. His kidney seems to be repairing itself quite. Despite still having fluid on it, it has continued functioning perfectly to the surprise of the doctor. He still says kidneys can be funny things and can suddenly switch on you, but he seems pretty confident that it will continue to improve. We don't have to go back for another year, maybe longer.
Kyle...I tried weaning him off the Zegerid. Let's just say it didn't go so well. I feel bad. Sheesh, it gets so old mixing that medicine daily and then dosing it out three times a day and fighting him to take it. I think he didn't realize what a good thing he had going though because he has taken it much better since trying life without it.
Billy got in with a fabulous internal medicine doctor. I have high hopes for finally getting answers on what has ailed him. The doctor really seemed to have it all together and was on the same page as us. Yah, he's concerned about lymphoma, leukemia, and lupus. Lupus has technically already been checked out but he wanted to run more specific tests to be certain. Really he's more concerned about the first two. Like I needed another thing to worry about. Which I know isn't the right attitude. Actually, even if it comes back positive for one of them I would be grateful. At least it'd be an answer so we could move forward. The symptoms fit. Of course, Billy isn't the least bit concerned about this. After all, there's no sense in worrying about something until there's something to worry about.
I have grand plans for the summer. Field trips, storytime, board games, swimming, road trips, arts and crafts time, piano lessons, etc. Of course, we know that half of these won't really happen. Wanna take a bet on how long they last? I have stocked up on art supplies from discountschoolsupply.com so that I have no excuse. I even got the cutest little drawing boards that are just the right size for the kids. There's 4 of them. Can't you just see it now? All of us sitting in a circle in the backyard, drawing the trees and our feelings? Oh, yes, grand plans. On top of those things to occupy the kids I will also finish all those projects Billy has been too tired to do. Oh, and lose that baby weight. Finally. Now accepting bets.
=)
So in the past couple of weeks I have had at least 3 people now tell me how much they love reading my blog, how entertaining it is, and how I should write a book or newspaper column or whatnot. First of all, I'm extremely flattered. Second of all, THANK YOU for seeing me how I am- that I am just telling it like it is and not just complaining all the time. Really, it's a huge relief that you know me well enough to know that about me and not assume otherwise. Third of all, where's the comments? Seriously, all you people who have said something are people I have had no clue were even reading this thing. Mostly I keep it up for my own journaling purposes (and because I think maybe my family far and away want to know what our lives are like, what's going on, and actually read this). However, in light of the current and recurring comments (received not on this blog) I figure I'll add to it with a little more of my thoughts. You know, now that I feel safe that you aren't all judging me as some complaining mom who has no control of anything and should never have had so many kids. Yep. That's it. And if you're one of those judgers, well, then just don't read any more because I don't want to think about what thoughts you might have about me. And if you're one of those lurkers who reads and doesn't tell me about it- please say something! It keeps me going.
I am thankful for a lot of things. I thought I should clarify first and foremost that I am thankful for my children. While they make my life crazy, it is crazygood. Just think how boring things would be without them. I might even be productive then. Gasp! They entertain me. They love me. They let me relive my childhood. They give me something to do. They sometimes even give me an excuse to do nothing. They let me get practice at doing all the things that I always wanted to do when I grew up. I could never decide what profession I would want to do. Photographer, hairdresser, make-up artist, teacher, waitress, chef, counselor, artist, writer, investigator, secret agent, masseuse, and more were all among my aspirations. For all the craziness and frustration they may bring they also bring a measure of joy and fulfillment greater than that.
I am also thankful for perspective. This was going to be my thankful Thursday last week. I know a large number of people who have gone through truly difficult things in my life. I also know or know of a lot of children who have passed away or been through difficult things. I don't know if it is a coincidence or an evidence of statistics. Whatever it is I am grateful for the perspective it allows me to keep. From the 4-year old who has battled cancer, surgeries, and lack of hair but beams like an angel and brightens a room with her smile. To the toddlers I've known of who have been killed by falls from 2nd story windows, gunshots from a parent's gun, being suffocated in the crack between a bed and mattress, and being accidentally run over by a loved one's car. To the survivors of some of those things. To the children I know who are deaf or autistic or have to manage with some other difficulty or trial in order to function like other children. To the moms who have no spouse to help out because they have one serving in the military or they have lost one or they are divorced. From the children who watch their parent go through an agonizing illness, such as cancer. To the ones who lose a parent when they are far too young. To the mothers of the children who have been lost- before birth, at birth, and later. To the mothers and fathers who sit for hours on end in a hospital with a child who is sick, without knowledge of if they will make it or not and how long it will be. I know all these people. I admire each and every one of them and I am thankful for the lessons we can learn from each of them and for the courage and strength they show- whether they know it or not.
